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This is a new board as the sponsor of the other one has gone out of business

Please feel free to write whatever thoughts you may have. ESPECIALLY, please feel free to reply to those messages where you might be able to offer some help or just because you feel a connection. You can do it on the board or you might want to email that person directly. It is up to you and I truly appreciate it.
Big hugs, Julane

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Who you'd be today

I was pregnant with my 3rd child. We were in no position to have another baby, but I refused to terminate the prenancy. I knew that God had sent her to me for a reason. I started bleeding when I was about 3 months along. I had my husband take me to the ER, and they checked her heartbeat and told me I was fine. I ended up going back a couple more times, because I kept bleeding. The last time I went, the ER doctors told me not to come back unless I was bleeding a pad an hour. I hit 21 weeks, and I was getting very concerned because I had only felt her move one time. I called the Dr's office, but they dismissed me as well. They told me that her last ultrasound showed plenty of fetal movement, so I was fine. 4 days later, I woke up with stomach pain. I thought I had to go to the bathroom, but that wasn't my problem. I almost had her in my bathroom. I woke my husband up, and I told him that he needed to take me to the hospital, and instead, he had my mother come and pick me up and take me. Less than an hour later, I gave birth to her. The doctor told me that she had been gone for about 3 weeks. I cried like I have never cried before. I tried to call my husband, but he fell back asleep, and didn't hear the phone. That is something that still hurts me to this day. I was told that she was too small to have a funeral for, so they "disposed" of her. I never got to see her. I hold the pain everyday thinking as a mother, I should have known something was wrong, but I didn't. I had a memorial service for her, but it was far from closer for me. I have spent the last 4 years trying to find some way to let her go. For the first 6 months, I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me from hurting myself was my other 2 children. They needed their mommy, and they deserved a whole mommy. I finally put her ultrasound pictures away and a poem that my mother wrote in her memory. Every year I participate in anything that has to do with Special Olympics, because she had Down's Syndrome. I miss her every day and I dream about her all the time. I know I will forever wait for the day when I can see her again. I just have to be patient until then.

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