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selfish in bed

Dear Mom
I would like to ask you a question. What do I do with a bf who refuses to engage any foreplay? I've tried everything possible, I've tried to talk about it but he always finds an excuse to change the subject. He's not very passionate, or maybe he doesn't care, I dont know but it all makes me very very frustrated. I need to fix this or I'll have to find a lover. I'm 30 and he's been my only lover for over 7 years. Sad and confused. Thank you very much.
Anonymous

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Re: selfish in bed

My boyfriend didn't understand the concept of foreplay either, despite the fact he got way more TLC than I ever got back on return (but not suprised really as the boy didn't even understand the concept of romance - never got me a bunch of flowers for instance). We were together 2 years. I simply got rid of the boy. I'm sure he enjoyed himself in bed, but I didn't and all I wanted to do was roll over and sleep.
Besides, any man who doesn't listen to you, or understands your needs (never mind in the bedroom) - after 7 years - is a bit of a waste of time in my book... Get rid and wave him off darling! You don't even have to say why. Get out of this sucky selfish relationship. Do not stoop to having an affair. It'll hurt, but in the end you'll be relieved to go (I was) and have so much more fun on your own; who knows maybe even find a man who does enjoy a pre-consummative Tango!

Hope this helps and remember we all deserve the fairytale, but we won't get it with the wrong man.

Re: selfish in bed

look around for a man who has female friends. If a guy has friends of the opposite sex he values women. some you sleep with and with some it was never an issue but you still remain friends. Just a thought from a straight guy who really likes women. mike

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Re: selfish in bed

Interesting insight, expecially since it comes from a guy. Thank you. I'll try to find someone like that.

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Re: selfish in bed

I think that leaving him is the way to go, but after such a long time it is hard to accomplish. I certainly deserve more than a guy who doesn't understand the conceipt of mutuality, and doesn't go this much out of his way to make life easier for me... Our sex life is fine according to his words, so I guess you are right, he's having fun in bed... thank you very much for your advice.

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Re: selfish in bed

My dear girl,

I do apologise for only having seen this post today, but I'm very proud of the Tarts who've already helped you with their caring and sensible answers.

You won't change your boyfriend's bedroom behaviour, and you are sensible enough to know that. If you felt very strongly that his other qualities in some way balanced out his lack of the skills in bed that you can very reasonably expect, there are suggestions I could have made. You could have started off proceedings by making yourself come, perhaps even banning him from touching you until you had satisfied yourself; making him watch without being allowed to touch you could have been a nice way to rearrange the power balance, and could possibly have stimulated him to want to try to please you himself. Or you could have watched porn together and copied what the couple are doing on screen - always a good way to gently suggest changes to the usual routine you have established.

You don't say whether the lovemaking satisfies you in other ways; it could be that you enjoy it in itself but it still feels incomplete without the foreplay, in which case the solution above could help considerably. But the whole tenor of your post suggests that you find the entire experience much more about his needs than about yours - am I correct? In which case, it feels like what you are really asking for is permission to leave him. You've tried to tell him you're not satisfied in bed and he's dismissed you. You naturally feel that someone incapable of listening to something this important will not take care of your emotional needs, and you are right. At the very least, he should be able to listen, and he should be able to try to fix something this important to you.

I wish you the very best of luck and happiness as you extricate yourself from a relationship that isn't satisfying your most basic needs and move towards finding one that does. Please do let us know how you are doing as you move forward with your new and improved life.

Fondly,

Mom

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