hi,

i hope this is an ok thing to do but i would really appreciate geting intelligent advice from some smart mature women and i figured there was no better place than here and i dont want to discuss it with my friends.

Basically I have two nieces who I am extremely fond of, one of them in particular is the light of my life (i do not have children myself)and my parents are deceased. Unfortunately to get to see them i have to spend time with my brother and his wife who are quite possibly the most selfish, mercenary people one could meet, in fact if it wasnt for his lovely little girls i wouldnt see him at all. I find it very difficult to be around him but do it out of my love for his children. my problem is that i feel they are quite neglectful emotionally and brutishly selfish with their children and it breaks my heart to see it. i cant challenge him about the way he treats them because he is so stubborn and pig-headed and i am afraid he will stop me seeing them, in fact no-one in the family can challenge them. It isnt extreme enough to warrant child care services but it hurts me to stand back as an aunty and see the way they are being treated. i feel i have a responsibility but i dont know what i can do apart from be there for them, but is that enough? i feel so helpless. What can I do?

It's tricky Ceri, but I think the best you can do is be a great aunt to them and make sure you stay in their lives and bring them joy and love whenever you can. I also think it's very hard - even for a sibling - to know what really goes on in someone else's life. Your brother may have any number of things going on you know nothing about. Maybe he needs your support too. Good luck and am sure your nieces will be grateful for your care in the long term.

Thank you so much for replying. It was good to get it off my chest. I do try to support and help my brother too but it is very difficult due to the fact that he tends to take advantage of any generous acts. For instance they live quite a distance away from me (5 hours)and back in the Spring he asked me to help him run his business for a week, i had to take a week off work but gladly offered to support him and see my nieces too. All that happened was that he was critical of everything i did and spoke down to me, when i left he could hardly even say thank you and I was just left totally exhausted.

Your advice is brilliant, thank you! and unbiaised and I think all i can do is support my nieces and try and remain impartial. Its very difficult though when you can see how hurt they are by his behaviour, i find it hard being on the receiving end of it and i'm a grown women.

I'm sure we will end up being stronger for it, hopefully.

Much appreciated.
xx

It sounds really hard, Ceri, but I'd also stick in there and try not to tell your brother and his wife how you feel. The children are what matters, and if you can love them and be around for them it can only help. It'll be easier for them than having their loyalties tugged between their parents and you, which is what will probably happen if you do say something. Do hope it works out.

Ali x

Thank you ali, I do try to never say anything critical to the children although I think they can see for themselves how hurtful and selfish their parents are and I just think they deserve more.

I can see how divorced parents feel now and Ive never had to go through that pain!

xx

I'm sure you do - it does sound hard, but I'm very glad they've got you! Bet they are too...

Ali x

You poor thing! I do admire you struggling on in such a difficult situation, and for how you're sticking in there to try to help your nieces. I'd suggest having them to visit as much as possible, and when you see your brother and sister-in-law, don't criticise and don't expect thanks. BUT if they speak badly to you or criticise you, you don't have to put up with that either.

Never be defensive or sarcastic. Try: "Wow, could I get away with talking to you like that?" and "That sounds really critical! Did you mean to sound that critical?" These sound really simple but will usually make people's heads snap back with shock. Always try to catch bad behaviour at the moment it happens as recriminations afterwards usually don't work, and this is how you 'retrain' people to speak better to you. And I assure you that pretty much always, they will back down when you confront them nicely and straightforwardly, immediately.

Work with your nieces on saying a lot of pleases and thank-yous, btw, as their parents probably aren't! As they get older, you can take them for longer and longer holidays and build the relationship even more strongly.

Good luck, sweetie, and hang in there - your presence is so important in your nieces' lives.

Best

L
xxx

Thanks to you both for replying I really do appreciate your support and advice and also for reminding me about being assertive in the moment, something I have to work on!

xx