One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
(Nowadays, the parent doesn't even bother to ask what the child did wrong or not..they just sue the school...)
A guy was shopping with his wife at the grocery store when they walked down the isle where the beer was. The guy calmly grabs a 12-pack off the shelf and puts it in the shopping cart. The wife looks at it and says, "What is that?"
"Beer, honey. It's only ten dollars," the guy replies.
"Put it back. We don't have the money," the wife reponds.
So the guy puts the 12-pack back on the shelf and they continued their shopping. After awhile they walk down the cosmetic isle. The wife grabs bottle of beauty cream and throws it in the cart.
The guy picks it up out of the cart and notices it has a $20 price tag on it. "What's this," asking his wife?
"It's beauty cream. It helps me to be pretty," she replies.
"So does beer and it's half the price," responds the guy"...he is still recovering in hospital[:=)]
Little Johnny:
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?""
Again, no response except from Little Johnny. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862.."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared around and asked, "All right!!! Now, who said that!?"
Again, Little Johnny said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh **** , we're screwed!"
Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008"
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and
push up bottom." I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells
lovely.
