A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,

but I'm glad I came.' !!

I went to La Caixa the other day to get some change, waiting ages as usual, and when eventually I had been served, a little old lady next in the queue came up to me and asked if i could help her and check her balance for her.
It wasnt right good, because when I gave her a shove, she fell over.

And my personal favourite of the multitude of recent Jacko jokes:
Whats the difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Micheal Jackson?

S.A.F will be playing Giggs this year.

IIIIITTTHHHAAANNKKKK YOU!
Im hera all week.

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fekkin' towel!'

Why do you have to wear tight underpants when visiting the Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fall out!

How many Man.Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb at the stadium?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and the other to drive him up from Surrey.

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Useful tips for pet lovers

VETS ADVICE FOR GIVING TABLET TO A CAT........
1. hold cat under your armpit
2. gently force fingers into each side of cats mouth
3. place tablet far back on cats tongue
4. retrieve tablet from carpet
5. retrieve cat from curtains
6. hold cat under your armpit
7. gently force fingers into each side of cats mouth
8. rapidly remove 20 claws from your forearm
9. retrieve cat from behind settee
10. hold cat under your armpit
11. remove claws from your chest
12. call wife for assistance
13. hold cat under your armpit
14. gently force fingers into each side of cats mouth
15. have wife place tablet far back on cats tongue
16. get plaster for wife
17. retrieve cat from under kitchen table
18. retrieve tablet from under fridge
19. hold cat under your armpit
20. gently force fingers into each side of cats mouth
21. have wife place tablet far back on cats tongue
22. apologise to wife for swearing
23. accept wifes apology for swearing
24. retrieve tablet from wifes cleavage
25. buy a healthy cat

VETS ADVICE FOR GIVING TABLET TO A DOG........
1. wrap tablet in bacon

tears rolled laughing at that one jacko :)

I 'phoned the swine 'flu hotline and all I got was a load of crackling!

hector brocklebank by any chance

Just read in the paper, a woman with no legs won a strewberry crushing competition..... jammy twat!

----- Original Message -----
From: david stanleyTo: don cartner ; David Stanley
Sent: Friday, September 11, 2009 6:39 PM
Subject: Fw: Paddy and his Slippers



----- Original Message -----
From: Peter Dillon
To: wilf Healy
Cc: colin stanley
Sent: Thursday, September 10, 2009 6:59 PM
Subject: Fw: Paddy and his Slippers



----- Original Message -----
From: Graham Thomas
To: petedillon
Sent: Thursday, September 10, 2009 5:28 AM
Subject: Fw: Paddy and his Slippers
















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says, 'How you doin'?'

Paddy says, 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed.

He says, 'Your dad sent me up here to service? the both of you.'

They say, 'Get away with ya.. prove it!'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of 'em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of 'em, what's the point of fekin'
one?'

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied

, "Ed Zachary Disease when face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

I had to come over the moors to get here.
Nice couple the moors

jacko, my sister in law has just got her cat back from the vets, i had to send her a copy of that one, i have never known her to laugh so much, it brightened up her day THANKS !!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a

Stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.


He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !


"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "


"No, " she replies. . . . .. . "



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:





"You just happened to catch my eye"

This guy is on a ryanair flight sitting beside a stunningly good looking blonde who is reading a book.

Intent on getting off with her he strikes up a conversation by asking what the book is about.

She replies that it is a book on the male member.

Did you know she asked that the male red indian has the most elongated pen is and that a male from poland has a pen is with the biggest girth... by the way she says my name is Ann, whats yours, me man answers in a flash, Tonto, Tonto Kozlowski.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
>
> The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
>
> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got 9000 pounds in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's 1000 pounds an inch."
>
> The man perks up at this.
>
> "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you wa nt. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
>
> The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
>
> "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
>
> "I have," says the man.
>
> "And has she helped you in making the decision?"
>
> "She has," says the man.
>
> "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
>
> "We're getting a new kitchen."

a man in hospital with 60% burns,
doctor says ,
give him 2 viagra,
nurse asks do you think that will help ?
DR replies NO ,
but it will keep the sheet off his legs !

I recently attended a fiesta on the Costa Dorada. Disappointingly, the organisers let off all of the fireworks in totally the worng sequence.

The whole display was, I'm afraid to say........

BANG OUT OF ORDER!

a farmer gets a phone call from his son.i,ve run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive.....shoot it says the farmer,then bury him....about 20 mins later he get another call....done that,now what should i do with his f...ing speed camera?

Whats a woman and a hurricane got in common?
theyre both wet and noisy when theyre coming, and when they leave they take half the house with them!

A married 40 something couple are shopping in Sainsburys. The husband picks up a slab of 24 cans of Fosters Lager and puts them in the trolley.

"What are you doing??" exclaims the wife.

"Well...," he says "They're on special offer, 24 cans of Fosters for a tenner."

"Put them back right now....we can't afford them" she whines at him.

A few aisles further on along the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband looks her in the eye and says: "So does 24 cans of Fosters ... but at half the bloody price."

So Sherlock Holmes and his trusted sidekick Dr. Watson have taken a break from Baker Street and gone on a camping trip to Hampshire.

As they're settling down for the night, Holmes looks at his assistant and says, "Watson....look up above you and tell me what you see."

Watson dutifully looks up and says "Well, Holmes....I see a beautifully clear, crisp sky...and an absolute myriad of stars."

Holmes replies to him, "And what does that tell you, Watson?"

"I think..." Watson mused, "That it tells me that there are millions of other galaxies, an infinite number of planets like ours, and that we are merely a tiny speck in the make up of the whole universe. What does it make you think, Holmes?"

Holmes turns slightly towards Watson with a resigned look and a furrowed brow.

"I think, Dr.Watson" sighed Holmes, "That some bugger has stolen our tent."



sorry everyone, I'm on standby tonight so I can't have a drink. Salou Forum users are, therefore, paying the price!!!!

A bloke goes to a nightclub on the other side of town, but gets turned away at the door by the Bouncers. "You're not coming in here, mate" growls the head Bouncer, "You've not got a tie on."

The bloke pleads with him that he's got no chance of buying a tie at this time of night, but the door staff are adamant about the dress code.

Reluctantly, he starts walking back towards home when he stumbles over a set of jump leads. He picks them up, looks at them closely, puts them round his neck, ties a windsor knot in them and thinks, "....Maybe, just maybe...".

He legs it back to the night club and says to the Bouncers, "Hey lads.....will this do?"

The chief Bouncer looks at him, then says "OK fella, you can go in now........BUT DON'T TRY STARTING ANYTHING".............

a bloke walkes into a bar & asks for 12 vodkas .
the barman lines them up & watches him knock them back . bloody hell mate ! whats the celebration ?.
man says first blow job
the barman congratulates him & days let me buy you another one .
the man said no thanks if 12 vodkas dont take the taste away 13 aint going to !

what do you call a prostitute With a runny nose ?



full!

Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus yet?'
(Are you ready for this????)





The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'

Many thanks "I am Not etc".......I've just spat my tea all over the keyboard!!!! Didn't see that one coming I'm afraid!!

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your plane!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the bloody dark!" says Murphy.

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your **** if you get a dodgy one!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

83 fish in a tank..
27 drowned.
how many fish are left?
....
...
....
....
.....
...
...
..
...

...
...
...
...
ok stop counting stupid.fish cant drown